There and back again a not-quite Hobbits tale

[simongr]

Happy happy joy joy

Journey – HKG-PVG
Flight no. – KA794
Class – Business AND First
Seat – 12G or even 1D

So today we are flying KA – not that there is anything wrong with that. It is straight from check in to the Ralph Lauren store to pick up a thin jumper so that I can tell the concerned staff in HKG I wont freeze in SHA.

Its off to the Wing and I am a little disappointed compared to other experiences – there is a happy medium between being harassed for more booze and being ignored and this time they were a tad on the edge of ignoring me – and I mean a tad – enough for me to see a difference between that and the normal exemplary service.

I do fall into a weird time there though between “lunch” and “dinner” service between 5PM and 5:30PM when there is no food at the restaurant – something I need to keep an eye on for the future. When the restaurant “eventually” opens I snarf down some food and cheese (for the record cheese in my consideration Cheese is beyond food and should be food group in and of itself) although the cheese selection is not quite as good as in the recent past. Bizarrely after the earlier lack of wine refills I am now harassed by the wine police for not drinking quickly enough!

Eventually though I have to board the flight so its off to KA…thankfully that is at gate 4 which is “just there”. Annoyingly my BP is rejected at the gate – annoying only if you don’t like sitting in first class!!!

MY FIRST OP-UP – WOO TO THE HOO

Ok it’s only a couple of hours on KA but this is a first for me and I am filled with joyous joyiety. This I assume is linked to my having changed to include my AA EXP status at check in rather than my QF status as it was originally.

On board the service ok – it just seems to be a mad swarm of activity. It almost is unnerving in that people almost seem to be rushing for the sake of it. The crew all seem to be about 19 years old – which linked to the recruitment template of slim attractive asian women is not necessarily a detriment to the onboard ambience.

I opt for the western meal on this flight which in retrospect may have been a mistake. An unremarkable starter is followed by a dubious main course of beef. I note that F is completely full to the gills and given it was J4/F4 at 3PM I reckon a good number of these seats are Op-Ups.

The IFE seems not to be working or not switched on but given I have a few things to watch on the laptop so it is no loss to me.

[aside]

Now here’s the rub. On QF I rant and rave if the IFE is not working almost on take off and if it has to be rebooted more than once and bitca and moan if the movie selection is not all the new releases that I want to see at the cinemas. However, here I am sat on a flight with no IFE and I shrug it off. Some people may accuse me of double standards…

[/aside]

OK I see from my notes that “the flight is short, the lights are bright and they use the second door for disembarking”. I really have to wonder how I can sometimes stretch check in to 2 pages and a whole to three clauses. I guess if there is a need to be verbose then I could expand the commentary on the seats themselves to indicate that they were red. I am really reaching here and feel a little pressure to come up with something.
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Nup I am dry as the Gobi, bereft of muse and musing and probably a little short on the amusing at this point. But hark what light through yonder window breaks (I went to see some Shakespeare last week – deal with it) is that a Bus I see before me? It is – sadly it is off through the second door (so J disembarks before F) down the stairs and onto the waiting bus

Although a little less smooth than the dual aerobridges of HKG (probably more akin to the wooden bridges of Maddison Country) we are after a short break into the terminal with the sprint for immigration. Everyone knows that Chinese immigration is a massive pain so the fact that I am through in about 30 seconds after having had my inbound immigration card corrected for me (I guessed the KA flight number as I was on a CX codeshare) with a pleasant smile by the Immigration officer (imagine if I had done that with some of the jobsworths when you arrive into LAX) and it is off to find the Hotel car. SYD, LHR and LAX (and every other US port I have flown into) could take some notes from the Chinese!

The hotel staff are waiting for me and I am swept into the Lexus for the llong drive to the city. After a few minutes using the in-seat power (QF take note that I can get in-seat power in a car but not on a 763 flying to Japan…) and a 5:30AM wake up I am fast asleep in the car as I get the Hilton Shanghai and my first experience of the new Hilton Shanghai Exec lounge.

[simongr]

Have you finished yet?

So we are back to the Hilton Shanghai. My last visit here was a mix – I was travelling then as a Diamond for the first time and although I was personally greeted at the door and taken to the fake Exec Lounge checkin (they were refurbing the lounge at that time) I was initially given an awful small room but then moved to an un-refurbished larger room (not a suite). This after they wake me up I am again greeted by a western member of staff but this time I taken to the new Lounge. WOW – what a difference. The lounge they were using was actually a bar previously and it had been very dim and dark. This was bright and airy with great views over SHA. My initial impressions are good although why they offer me a drink and then say I can’t take it back to my room is beyond me (at the Conrad on Sunday they carried my welcome drink to my room for me).

I am then taken to my new room which has been refurbished – not quite as stunning as my first stay there but very nice. The one annoying feature is that they have installed a glass desk. Now this looks stunning but I would estimate that the majority of people have optical mice nowadays rather than rollerball mice – and a glass desk does not work well with an optical mouse. Now you might think this is nitpicking and slightly hypercritical – but (bear with me on this) – it is all about meeting the needs of your market and this just shows they haven’t thought about people like me who cart and optical mouse around with me everywhere…

The room is nice though – the standard plasma TV and the large (but very hard) bed and possibly one of the best showers (more power arf arft) I have had outside of my house.

On a slightly disappointing note there are no chocolates or wine unlike my other stays

[aside]

So a little more about me – a topic I know is dear to all of your hearts. I used to sleep well. I really mean that. I lived as a child on an air force base and would sleep through my father being summoned out of the house by an alarm sounded on the base (500m away) that could be heard 8KM away. I really really slept well.

Times change, people change (certainly their girth does – but that is a story for the next next TR) and now sleep is not my friend. The problem I have is that if I doze even for a few minutes my body reacts as if I have had a full night’s sleep – so a brief nap in the early evening or afternoon will mean I wont sleep most of the night… you can perhaps see where this is going…

[/aside]

So after my power nap in the Lexus I knew I was not in for an early night. Sadly what I was not prepared for Mila Jovavich in Ultraviolet – if I felt soiled by Superbad, betrayed by Invasion then this my friends was the point at which I wanted rip my eyes out. As a result I spend a restless night half sleeping half waiting until a reasonable time to wake up would appear – as a result it is a slightly groggy sim that makes it to the office for what turned out to be a very productive day.

The day is nicely broken by a post Chinese New Year lunch banquet with the finance team where again my constitution is tested by the menu selections – I manage to dodge the Jelly Fish completely and side step the “soft” chicken bones (they weren’t soft and they didn’t taste like chicken) after the first mouthful – but overall semi-adventurous. Not as adventurous as the team would like me to be – but it is all about baby steps

That evening it is back to the Hotel for my first experience cocktails in the new lounge. After being overwhelmed last night I am tad underwhelmed tonight. The big disappointment are the wine options – Chinese White or Red. Now the Chinese are renowned for many cultural and culinary achievements – wine making is not one of them. Let us never mention the wines again. Similarly the food is a little disappointing – I guess on reflection my benchmark is the Conrad in Hong Kong where I am paying twice or three times the price.

Ok – you all need to prepare yourselves for a shock. I have not been entirely honest with you. I may seem to be a debonair sophisticate but deep down (well not that deep really) I have a dark secret and that is time to reveal that. It is time for the mask to be removed and the true sim is revealed.
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I like simple cold beer – most often something like a Budweiser or an Amstel or Asahi – I am not a posh micro-brewery type – I drink when I am thirsty and need to be refreshed not to be drawn in rich nutty under-currents of tar and smoke – I leave that for the Shiraz (aka Syrah). So at times all I want is a ice cold bud from the bottle!!!!

So having outed myself I should continue on with the story. The story of a quest, not for truth or justice not for gold ring to cast into the firey pits nor even for a blonde haired princess to rescue from the evil styep-mother (are there any other sort?). No this is much more important than that – this is a quest… for cold beer. I mean for chrissakes how hard can it be?

My first night needing (now that’s a bad word to use in reference to alcomohol) a beer and I initially served something at a temperature akin to tepid water that you would dissolve yeast in while making bread. As I request a second I plan ahead and ask if I could just hold the bottle to see if cold really does mean cold – sadly it doesn’t. Given my options are the unmentionables or a slightly warmer than hoped for beer then we will stick with the beer

Now I said this was a quest – and I thought at first it was my heroic efforts battling overwhelming odds for the love of beer but in reality this was a quest for REDMEPTION! Having seen my puppy dogs broken hearted face at the warmth of the beer the floor supervisor comes to me as I am leaving to introduce me to Nancy. As the supervisor is not working tomorrow she has instructed Nancy to put up to 5 (I only asked for 2) beers in cold storage for me and Nancy will ensure my cold beer requirements are addressed.

The next night (my last in SHA) Nancy dutifully hunts me down and plies me with beer that is colder than the previous night – I guess they just don’t make those ice boxes as cold in China as the ones they are shipping to the rest of the world… However I will certainly give 10 for effort rating scale to be determined at a future date, all rating subject to change and no expectation of repetition of events leading to ratings should be assumed or relied upon when considering future cold beer requirement options.

Given my general levels of exhaustion on this trip a quiet night in the room is called for again. I decide after my couple of beers to have just a small glass of wine with dinner *cough* so it is a slightly seedier sim that awakes ready for his long travels ahead.

[aside]

Sorry about this but it is time to rant again (bet that didn’t catch you by surprise). Now despite shocking behaviour and taste in beer I am quite a foodie and as such pretty much every room service meal is not going to be any good. Tonight however there was an exception – a Bolognese that was pretty much edible.

There was one slight problem though – carrots. Now I know that there is no “real” Bolognese recipe. It is I believe a Ragout sauce and often has none or few of the ingredients that non-italians dump into their “SpagBol” but nowhere and never should carrots make it into a Bolognese sauce. It’s not 1942 and I am not fighting German pilots with my enhanced eyesight so please take your carrots and well just take them ... please

[/aside]

The matter of the carrots is now put to rest and we shall move on in peace and serenity. Breakfast is the usual delightful fare and I am advised that the car is being brought round for me – this statement could be considered to not be as accurate as it might have been as I am waiting for a few minutes for the car to come round. The time lost there is more than made up for as we get to PVG in 43 minutes!!!!!

Next we have the PVG experience – and I have to warn you that is not a short story and it all comes down to a lack of those barrier tapes at the gate entrances…

[Evan]

I am then taken to my new room which has been refurbished – not quite as stunning as my first stay there but very nice. The one annoying feature is that they have installed a glass desk. Now this looks stunning but I would estimate that the majority of people have optical mice nowadays rather than rollerball mice – and a glass desk does not work well with an optical mouse. Now you might think this is nitpicking and slightly hypercritical – but (bear with me on this) – it is all about meeting the needs of your market and this just shows they haven’t thought about people like me who cart and optical mouse around with me everywhere…

No your not nitpicking or hypercritical ! i am one of those people, i just use the inbuilt on notebook if i get a glass desk but it is annoying.

That story is so funny, i love your writing style.

E

[moa999]

Couple of sheets of A4 paper also tend to work wonders

[QF009]

A truly entertaining TR - don't stop now!!

Thanks for the tremendous effort you've obviously put into this.

[drron]

You are improving with each post.Truly entertaining.
Dont worry about the sleep.It will return.Like you when young I could sleep anywhere,even next to a loudspeaker.Couldnt sleep during my working days but since retirement sleep again comes naturally even on a plane.Need my midday nap as well as nighttime sleep.
Keep it up!

[simongr]

You are improving with each post.Truly entertaining.
Dont worry about the sleep.It will return.Like you when young I could sleep anywhere,even next to a loudspeaker.Couldnt sleep during my working days but since retirement sleep again comes naturally even on a plane.Need my midday nap as well as nighttime sleep.
Keep it up!

Only thirty years to go then...

[Alanslegal]

The building of anticipation grows and grows , it reaches the peak and then the truth is out.....

I like simple cold beer …

Move over Dan Brown, we have AFF Simongr! Great TR!

[simongr]

Why China is like a juggler with a chicken and a chainsaw

Journey – PVG-NRT
Flight no. – JL622
Class – Business
Seat – 2D

After my hyperspeed drive to the Airport it is a slightly lengthy walk to the JL check in – at which point I am a tad concerned as to whether the flight is actually flying today given the complete absence of pax checking in. Although there is some bemusement and confusion they are able to check me through to SYD but are unable to change my FF number on my NRT-SYD flight (good to see the OW seamless integration of IT systems at work again).

[aside]

Barely a paragraph in and I am off again. I booked this through QF so they default to putting in my QF number. For some reason I still feel like a naughty schoolboy using my AA number. I don’t know why though – I actually fly almost as many segments on AA as I do QF and more of them in F.

I can’t past it though for some reason – and I really should. I now have the rigmarole of changing at the airport and then checking as to whether the change has been done ok and then the lottery of whether the flights will post.

The other risk is that part of me is still yearning to retain QF SG (only for the better chance at upgrades to F using QFF points) so I run the risk of just letting it slide to credit to QF and get SG status.

So much in that regard depends on what the next few months hold for me. I could change jobs and that could mean more or less flying on QF or not on QF – it might mean not enough flying to achieve EXP but enough to get QF WP – too many variables for a simple accountant like me

[/aside]

So where was I – ah yes check in at the JL counter. So after stepping over the tumble weed it is off to customs and immigration. There have been some changes in customs regs so that you don’t need to fill in a form of some kind but still need to have an outbound passenger card. I found out at the entrance to customs these are held at the check in desks. So back I troop to the other end of the airport to get one from the JL desk – realising afterwards that this could have been avoided if I had asked for one at check in, picked one up myself or grabbed one from a check in desk near the customs entrance.

There is the usual milling throng and PVG’s own variety of gate lice. This is the crowd that mill around the entrance to customs either seeing people off or asking people to carry bags through for them etc. A few deft kicks and I am through the throng (or perhaps given it is by nature a blockage it might better be called a thromb). Customs is a much easier process given the lack of forms to supply so next it is immigration. This is not quite as quick as inbound but is pretty quick still (even without an APEC card).

However at security I miss (or ignored perhaps) the 2x1RMB in my pocket which sets of the WTMD. Unlike our friends in Oz or in the US this does not require me to remove shoes, belt, watch or the iron in my blood but simply necessitates a quick wanding with beeps in the right places – belt buckle, shoes, watch and I am on my way. How much easier it would be if they did this elsewhere – people wouldn’t get away with just being wanded and fill their pockets with metal – it would just mean that they could see where the metal was. The only potential downside to this was that the young lady was slightly over-friendly with the wand - mind you given the nature of the young lady some people may not object to such treatment

After that it is straight off to the JL lounge which to my bitter disappointment is not much of an improvement over the KA lounge I have used before. I fail to be able to connect to the internet wirelessly or via an Ethernet point so for the first time in a while I am cut off from the web – some palpitations need to be calmed through the application of a cold beer – so this is where they were hiding!

The downside to my speedy (and surprisingly smooth I should add) drive to the airport and a minor delay to departure is that I now have quite a long time at the airport. At least I think there is a delay to departure as there is a single slightly muffled announcement with no other indication after that.

I leave before boarding is called I don’t want a repeat of my NRT experience aka mr wearetakingyourbagsoffnow…

Now PVG is a weird airport (well I think so and it’s my story so it’s my rules). There are escalators down from the main concourse to the gates themselves. The lounges are on the same level as the gates. So far so not weird. However there is nothing to stop anyone wandering down from the concourse to the gates so anyone can go anywhere. There aren’t even the little tapes that separate the special people from the others in boarding queues.

And this for me is why China is a juxtaposition of perceptions and realities. When I grew up China was just out of the cultural revolution, there were no cars in China, everyone wore blue overalls and rode bikes to work – and there was that thing where people made lots of noise to keep sparrows flying. When I was at uni it was the time of Tiananmen so people had moved out of overalls and into shirts and pants, but at the same time this meant for me - as some with no real experience of China – that when being here one would be watched over and the people controlled by some Orwellian Ministry of Truth – with restrictions on where you walk, how you talk and how you move. I have said it before and I am sure I will say it again – China a consumer mecca blended with a modern dance interpretation of a frog in a blender – juts with a little less Kermit.

It is incredibly hard for me to really write what I see when I look at China and by China I mean how I see the Chinese people move around like – well lets try an analogy. Imagine a juggler. Your average juggler will maybe do a flaming sticks, or bowling balls and if you’re lucky maybe a chainsaw and an egg – amusingly he drops the egg to build up the tension as you hope for once you are the person uploading to YouTube the video of the guy losing an arm that gets more hits than lonelygirl15.

Anyway that aside let’s get back to your juggler. Sure he has the bowling ball and the flaming stick and the chainsaw and the obligatory bowling pins (probably a 7 and a 10 just for irony) and four fried chickens and some dry white toast and just to top it off – a pig. These are all being thrown a different speeds and heights and angles, behind his back and through his legs, sometimes in defiance of the laws of physics and logic itself. But when you look at it – it is a ballet and opera in harmony and an amazing thing to see – but it is a brave man that steps into the maelstrom. And that is why they need more effective barriers at the gates at PVG airport!

So anyway – where were we? Ah yes boarding JL622 to NRT. Just for the record I am writing this a couple of weeks after the trip so how much of the account below is fact an dhow much is how I would like the flight to have gone is up for debate.

On board I have a nice row 2 seat – much like the QF Dreamtime seats except with AVOD. As is custom my seat buddy ignores me and I spend the flight in blissful ignorance of his existence – a pleasant occurrence after the seat moving limpet up to HKG. We are given our menus just after take so I again opt for the Japanese meal. Overall there are some challenging items but the starter of lobster goo is just superb.

There is a slight champagne incident to report. They serve Piper Heidseck in mini-bottles – so far so good – at least it isn’t Monopoo . However the FA fills the glass too quickly so the glass overflows and we lose half the bottle. Not the end of the world so far – but when she returns with a fresh glass she leaves me the same half empty bottle – no top up!!!!!! Yes I know I could have asked for another bottle but I still felt gypped!

Now I said above that we had AVOD – at least I think it was AVOD. It started as loop but could be paused and rewound so it was weird. The AVOD guide was all in Japanese so it was tough to work out how to work the system and what channel things were on and I am challenged by the language options until I find the LANG button (blame the Asahi in the lounge).

After the disasters of the SYD-HKG flight I opt for Mr Magorium’s Magic Emporium – amazing that a movie of such schmaltz and cutesy fluff could be done so well. It even brings the hint of a tear to the eye of this jaded road warrior – just a shame that I rush the ending as my 2 ½ hour flight barely takes 2 hours!

After a smooth landing and a rapid exit I am quickly into the JL F lounge for a semi long transit.

[thegurio]

Between yours and QF009's i am wondering what i will do with life after reading your TR's! Guess i should have a hand at writing them but lets face it - how exciting can a HBA - ADL flight get. I promise that with my next big trip i will write a big one...

Having said that shall i go into the tail when on Thurs the FA thought my noise cancelling Sony's were an MP3 player... nah

EDIT 1&2 : BTW - About talkers... I am in complete agreement. I use the time in the air to shut off from the outside world with no interference from the outside world what-so-ever(as you can probably tell i dont fly long haul at all). Its not that im not nice and wont chat but im alway stalking at work and like the opportunity not to when i have the chance. Unlike the last flight yesterday when i was stuck next to a talker, i hate to have to be rude but some people just dont understand.