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  #421 (permalink)  
Old 18th November 2008, 02:01 PM
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  #422 (permalink)  
Old 18th November 2008, 05:06 PM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'...if you were a woman in those days you'd pick skinny little men for hubby's eh!

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone...

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow...At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! (Ed - I tried and failed).

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile (USA) National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A: Obsession

Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A: One thousand (Ed - yes, I started counting to check it )

Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All were invented by women

Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A: Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

and one for the mathematicians:
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Finally, believe it or not, you can read the following sentence. (Go on, try it, just because it looks weird don't give up):

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

(Now that is like some of our members posting )
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  #423 (permalink)  
Old 18th November 2008, 05:40 PM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsay Wilson View Post
(Now that is like some of our members posting )
now, now, my tpying hsa imprvoed sinse I instaaled teh speeling chceker
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  #424 (permalink)  
Old 19th November 2008, 12:20 AM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

Learn something about Russian culture, and have a chuckle as well:

Russian Jokes
Russian Political Jokes
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  #425 (permalink)  
Old 22nd November 2008, 11:47 AM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

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  #426 (permalink)  
Old 22nd November 2008, 09:50 PM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged,French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no 1 in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'!
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please,ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you're also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!'
'This American should be put in his place!'


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
often seem to have a penchantfor doing the wrong thing.


You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
Youdrive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem tohave thrown the wrong bitch out the window!
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  #427 (permalink)  
Old 22nd November 2008, 09:54 PM
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**lovemaking Tips For Seniors***

**1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.**

**2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.**

**3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!**

**4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.**

**5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.**

**6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.**

**7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.**

**8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.**

**9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.**

**10. Don't even think about trying it twice.**

**(Notice I sent it in large type so you can read it***
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  #428 (permalink)  
Old 23rd November 2008, 10:47 AM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it
just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains
some really good articles such as:


* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without
getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

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  #429 (permalink)  
Old 23rd November 2008, 11:09 AM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.

She charged that he had called her a pig.

The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true."

Does this mean I cannot call a pig, Mrs. Johnson the man asked?

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."

Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
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  #430 (permalink)  
Old 23rd November 2008, 01:59 PM
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Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR

Quote:
Originally Posted by codash1099 View Post
I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book".
Classic! I don't need to borrow the book though as none of the things mentioned have ever happened to me.

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