[JohnK]

Flagpole

Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were standing puzzled at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A pretty woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman sighed, took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres," and walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[straitman]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the wiik!"
"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Britain?..."
"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
"What about Australia?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moolion condoms; ten enches long and eight enchesthuck! Thet way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thich, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one..............

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM

[straitman]

One for JohnK

Golfing advice

This purports to be an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[JohnK]

Originally Posted by straitman

One for JohnK

Thanks Bill. I shall remember those tips before teeing off in the future.

[codash1099]

An English MP was on a goodwill trip to Scotland and during the course of his visit he was scheduled to visit a hospital in Glasgow. Upon arrival he was shown into a men's ward which was full of older gentlemen. He approached the first bed and said "Hello, how are you?" whereupon the man in the bed said:

"Wee sleekit cowrin' tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie, thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee, Wi murd'ring pattle!"

Somewhat nonplussed he smiled nervously and moved to the next bed, but before he could speak, the occupant of the bed began:

"Ye flowery banks o' bonie Doon, How can ye blume sae fair? How can ye chant, ye little birds, And I sae fu' o' care!"

Moving quickly on he came to the third bed, whose occupant began to rant:

"Aye wud te gad the grace te gi'us te se ourselves as ithers see us".

By now completely confused the MP turned to the Doctor who was showing him round and said: "Is this the Psychiatric ward?", to which the doctor replied:

"No, it's the Serious Burns unit.

[bambbbam2]

Life Tips:

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

[bambbbam2]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[codash1099]

Riding the favourite at Flemington, a well known jockey (who wishes to remain anonymous) was well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he rounded the home straight.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

[codash1099]

Lewis' brother decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in the States.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[JohnK]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."