A BIT OF HUMOUR
Page 35.
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Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
On a recent business trip to London I got lost between the Royal Courts
of Justice and Chancery Lane (as one does) and was surprised to find
myself in an area apparently called "Soho".
A charming young man saw that I was at a loss, if not a loose end, and
suggested that I might enjoy "The experience of a lifetime" for a mere
pittance.
I paid him and he directed me to a narrow corridor leading into a rather
tall building.
At the end of the corridor a doorman sat at a desk. "Are you here for the
experience?" he asked.
"Indeed I am" I replied.
He pointed me towards the lift doors. He said "Try floors 2, 4, or 6.
Don't go onto 1, 3 or 5 which are for private parties."
Curiosity driving me on, I went immediately to the sixth floor and
arrived in a plush yet tasteful bar where the most beautiful topless
waitresses plied me with drink whilst I watched a most unusual and
inventive cabaret involving several naked women and a large collection
of household objects. It was, I must admit, a most stimulating experience.
At the end of the show I returned to the lift and went down to the fourth
floor.
There I was welcomed by a young lady of most pleasing appearance who took
me into small room and gave me an extremely soothing massage. She
finished with what she described as "hand relief" in a manner which I
found surprisingly satisfying.
Relaxed and yet at the same time invigorated, and now bursting with
curiosity as to what the rest of the building might contain, I made my
way back to the lift.
Despite the doorman's warning, I could not resist finding out what I
might have missed on the floor between the two I had visited and
selected the fifth button on the lift panel.
Initially the floor appeared completely empty. A vast expanse of bare
concrete without even the benefit of electric light. A curious snuffling
noise caught my attention, and as I turned to face the apparent source
of it I was set upon by a pack of Alsatians. I barely made back into the
lift without serious injury and was appalled to find that the arms and
legs of my suit were in tatters.
Somewhat distressed by this narrow escape, I took the lift to the second
floor where I was delighted to be welcomed by a group of the most
attractive girls I have ever seen from all races and creeds. They made
no comment as to my dishevelled experience, and led me into a room
filled with cushions, soft music and sweetest of scents.
All I can say of that which transpired there is that it was, indeed, the
experience of a lifetime and a memory I will treasure for ever.
Unfortunately, curiosity go the better of me again and I could not resist
looking in on the third floor.
The second I stepped out of the lift I was set upon by a pack of St.
Bernards which severely savaged my arms and legs. Torn and bleeding I
staggered back into the lift.
I have to confess that even then I could not resist the temptation to see
what the first floor might hold.
It held the greatest horror of all.
Attacked by a pack of rabid Afghan Hounds, I found myself held in the
jaws of four of them by the wrists and ankles whilst the rest assaulted
me sexually from the rear. As they left me, each satisfied animal cocked
its leg and urinated on my supine form.
When they had all had their way with me, they threw me bodily into the
lift. I all but fell out of the lift on the ground floor.
With a single glance, the doorman took in my torn and tattered clothing,
my bloodied arms and legs, my pronounced limp, and the putrid liquid in
which I was soaked. Without a change of expression he remarked: . . .
"I told you to stay away from the shaggy dog stories."
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house" . The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.
The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose Funeral is it?'
'My wife's'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
For anyone who didn't see the episode of David
Letterman's show where this story was told, read this:
And remember it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her
husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.
'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her
husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look
like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her.
'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'
Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower
of coins rained down on her.
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the
words out.
He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two
men.
They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my
friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized
one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button
for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am.'
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'
She was too humiliated to speak.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and
refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then
insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they
were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them
roaring with laughter as they walked back to the
elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself
together and went downstairs for dinner with her
husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a
dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar
bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years.
PRINT AND PIN TO BATHROOM MIRROR It's really not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace
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