[codash1099]

Fuel surcharges

[straitman]

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

[kpc]

Originally Posted by straitman

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

Love it...

[JohnK]

Originally Posted by straitman

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

Classic!!!!

[straitman]

The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's contemporary term is: Political Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[straitman]

A US marine squad was driving North out of Basra when they came upon an Al-Qaeda soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The Aussie was conscious and alert.


As first aid was given to both men, the Aussie was asked what had happened. The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Al-Qaeda soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.


"What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that even with the new government his country is still fxxxed, and he yelled back: 'So is yours'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[straitman]

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ......................

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop or a take away cafe in Australia ....

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones to airline call centre customers in Australia .

[wallacej]

lol...biting my lip on that one !!!

[codash1099]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."

God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!"

[straitman]

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1.. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)