A BIT OF HUMOUR
Page 33.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
An engineering student came rolling in on a brand new spanking bike. His friend caught up with him and asked how he got it.
"Well," said the first student, "I was walking on my way to uni when this drop dead gorgeous blonde comes on this bike, rips off her clothes and says, 'Take anything you want!'"
"Good choice," said the second student, "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
<rim shot />
A mathematician, physicist and an engineer are all in a contest set by a sheep farmer to create a pen to enclose his sheep using the least amount of fencing possible.
The mathematician steps up and realises that a circle gives the most area for perimeter, so he creates a circular fence around the sheep, and declares that he has the smallest pen possible.
The physicist isn't convinced and he creates a circular pen of infinite diameter, then he proceeds to remove fencing and reduce the size of the pen until the sheep could not be compacted any more, and thus declares he has the smallest pen possible.
The engineer sees all this, yawns, a creates a fence just enclosing himself, then declares that he has the smallest pen possible.
The other two look puzzled and remark, "Surely we're not to believe that you've just created the smallest pen with all the sheep inside it?"
The engineer replies, "I assume that I am standing on the outside!"
<rim shot />
An engineer and his manager are camping out in the woods. The decide to retire for the night and head into their tent for a good nights sleep.
Some hours later, the engineer wakes his manager and says, "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
The manager replies, "I see millions of stars."
The engineer asks, "What does that tell you?"
The manager ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The engineer pauses for a moment, and then states, "Practically, someone has stolen our tent."
<rim shot />
A man is ballooning but soon finds himself lost. He spots another man on the ground and decides to ask him for help, so he lowers the balloon until he is close enough to communicate.
"Can you tell me where I am?" asks the balloonist.
"Well," says the man on the ground, "you're about 5 metres in the air and talking to me."
The balloonist says, "You must be an engineer."
The man on the ground looks puzzled and replies, "Yes, you are correct. How did you know that?"
The balloonist replies, "You answered my question but it makes absolutely no sense and does not help me one bit."
The engineer replies, "You must work in management."
The balloonist looks puzzled and replies, "Yes, you are correct. How did you know that?"
The engineer replies, "Because you were lost to start with, you asked me for help, and now you're still lost. The only difference is that it is my fault now."
<rim shot />
What's the difference between Civil and Mechanical Engineers?
For the forum which popularised the use of the abbreviation SWMBO....
A man and woman ended up sharing a room on a train. The man decided to take the lower bunk and the woman the upper bunk.
They turn in for the night, but the woman soon wakes up shivering. She calls out and wakes up the man below her.
She says, "Hey, can you lend me another blanket? I'm freezing up here!"
The man replies, "I've got a better idea. How about we pretend that we're married?"
The woman giggles at this thought and replies, "OK!"
The man replies, "Good. Get your own blanket."
<rim shot />
Bob: "My wife drives like lightning!"
Tim: "She drives fast?"
Bob: "No, she hits trees!"
<rim shot />
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”
He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”
<rim shot />
Sex is like math.
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and just hope you don't multiply.
(The more crude version is withheld.)
<rim shot />
I was invited to go to a retreat at a nudist camp. I would have gone, except I couldn't iron the wrinkles out of my birthday suit.
<rim shot />
My doctor recommended I run for exercise. I gave that up when my crotch kept catching on fire.
<rim shot />
Why did God create Adam before creating Eve?
So that Adam could have a chance to talk.
<rim shot />
Men are like snow storms. You don't know when they're coming, how long they will last and how many inches you're going to get.
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned
John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for
their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not
find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold
the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at
once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John
what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find
the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to
take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning
on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
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