A BIT OF HUMOUR
Page 32.
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I was at the airport, scanning pass the exit gate when an customs employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' (must have been an Australian Customs employee)
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the Iimo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Jacob, age 92, andHenrietta, age 89, are excited about their
decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a
chemist. Jacobsuggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the manbehind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
Thepharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're aboutto get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "Howabout medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist:"All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism,scoliosis?"
Pharmacist:"Definitely."
Jacob:" Medicine for memoryproblems, arthritis, jaundices?"
Pharmacist:"Yes, a large variety..... The works!"
Jacob:"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotesfor
Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist:"Absolutely."
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs andwalkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.Why do you ask? Is there something
I can help youwith?"
Jacobsays to the pharmacist:......
.......
"We'dlike to nominate your store for our Bridal GiftRegistry."
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than
a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No
matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the
withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.
"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots,
"and I am a food addict."
It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was
using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's
wrecked my life.
For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the
digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss.
I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad
to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all.
One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate
nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon
shortly after landing.
But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let
food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for
me.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
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