A BIT OF HUMOUR
Page 21.
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Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Brisbane.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer straight away, so she told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess thought for a moment, then responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
"Yes", said the boy, "She did".
"Well then", said the stewardess, "Tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because QANTAS always pulls out on time. . . . . Have your mother explain THAT to you!!!"
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses "What next?"
When he returns, she beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says,
Member of: QC Life, SQ, CX, AA, collection of hotel programs
Posts: 619
Re: A BIT OF HUMOUR
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" he asks.
"YES!", said the blonde "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...
A DublinUniversity student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The
night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only
to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no
where through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw
the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he
jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he
had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people
walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also
soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!'
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.............................................
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie"
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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